Soap is not a condiment
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
