Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
