Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
