Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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