a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
