Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
