ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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