he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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