Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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