I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
