If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
