I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
