I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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