Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
