im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Randomize
