OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
