This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
