Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There r osticjed everywhere
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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