i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize
