I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
