I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
