It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
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Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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