Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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