I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
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I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
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Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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