If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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