You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
