Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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