I love black thongs
My underwear smells like fireworks.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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