Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
