You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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