id be glad to
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
