i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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