Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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