Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
