Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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