Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My vagina just recognized that song.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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