You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
