I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
