so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
