he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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