I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
