Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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