This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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