if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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