So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
