Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
