After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
