so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
