Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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