everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
