I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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