I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
