the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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