Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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