he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
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You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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