you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
