I think I died a long time ago.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
