OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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